Women, this is why you should NEVER offer to pay on the first date
By Laurel House
Looking for love? The easiest way to create that enduring connection and to initiate a bond- one that can truly create a love connection, is by getting raw, open, revealing something about yourself, even being vulnerable- yes on the 1st date. If you want to find real love, you’ve got to get real first.
You Create a Real and Immediate Connection
Think about it this way: if your heart is closed, if you aren’t exposing your authentic self- your “heart self” to word it in a touchy-feely way. So how do you expect to feel… for them? Your heart is closed! Nothing is coming out of it and nothing is going into it either.
But you feel attracted? That’s called chemistry. What you’re feeling is surface thrill. That’s it. It’s fleeting. Chemistry actually shows up in the brain in the same place as cocaine. It’s a drug. One that blinds you.
Instead of chemistry, you need to create a connection. If you’re open, he will be open. If he is open, you are allowing for the possibility of a deeper connection, one rooted closer to your core, touching your heart. You shared on a level that you don’t generally expose. You have confided in each other.
Why be that exposed on the first date? Because on your date you want to set the expectation. You are saying “this is me, who are you?” Or else you’re wasting your time. And that’s pointless.
You Make Them Feel Trusted
By revealing your true self, exposing some of your insecurities, fears, and triumphs, you are making your date feel like you are letting them into your inner sanctum and showing that you trust them. And trust is a man and woman’s number one need in a relationship. You have made them feel like they deserve your trust, that they can be trusted, and that they have shown themselves as a worthy and strong person- yes, by revealing some of your weakness you make him feel like more of a man. Once they feel deserving of trust, they are also more likely to trust you, and therefore more likely to open up to you, exposing their true self. Your connection and that foundation is being formed.
So How Do You Do It?
Be open and real so that you can get to know each other in that stripped down state. Relationships that end up ending quickly are often built on superficial grounds: He’s so hot, I love his car, look at her body, he’s hysterical, she’s so much fun. You fall in love with that, not them. If you want to build a love that lasts, think about a skyscraper. If you build a building and just goes from the ground up, without digging down and creating a foundation first, it is more likely to fall down. Same goes for relationships. Go down before you go up. Sure, he looks hot in a bathing suit, but that’s not enough of a reason to hook up. What else is there to him? Who is he really? Can you have a conversation of substance? Try to understand who they are as a human being. What are their core values? Do their core values align with your core values? When you expose and express your true self, when you open yourself up and you are vulnerable, often times the other person mirrors the same vulnerability back.
I’ll Show You Mine. Then You Show Me Yours.
You are setting the standard, establishing the expectation, and creating a safe space for honesty. Often times women allow the guy to set the tone. We follow how he communicates with us. Why? You can set the tone and still be sweet. You can show how you want to communicate and still be soft and feminine and loving and make him feel like he is in the lead. Share something about yourself, how you feel about it, maybe something you’re not so proud of but you learned a lesson and you’re better and wiser now because of it. When you are vulnerable, they will be too. Your conversation will be more layered and interesting. If you go deep, they will go deep. They will tell you a story that is equally substantive. Then you are creating a connection that is deep, not superficial. And that’s how to create a stronger foundation.
Fly Your Red Flags
If you say something on a first date like “I’m divorced. Twice actually. I was young and not ready- both times. 21 the first time and it only lasted for 6 months. I was trying to have what my parents have- who were married at 21 and are still happily together. My 2nd husband, we really didn’t take the time to get to know each other…” Do you think that’s appropriate? The answer is YES! Absolutely! Why? Because being divorced twice could be a red flag for someone. Don’t you want to know that now, before you invest in the relationship, before you open your heart and dedicate your days? If you are raw and honest and revealing, not just for the sake of dumping your baggage on the table, but instead to say… “and I have learned so much about love and what I am looking for…” and you fess up to having made mistakes- which shows vulnerability, but then you show the silver lining- the lessons you learned and how you are better because of it- which shows strength! That SAYS something. That’s real. And if they still say… “you know, the fact that you were married twice, that’s a red flag for me and I can’t date you.” Fine- there are, no joke, plenty of fish in the sea and you will find someone else who finds it attractive that you were open to taking a chance, to throwing caution to the wind, to jumping into love feet first… even if it unfortunately bit you on the butt.
If you want to find that deep guttural love, the love that lasts, that hooks your heart and implants itself in your soul, you’ve got to screw the fa?ade, the protective layer, the walls, the hiding of the feelings, and the front. You have to be raw. After all, you’re not looking for a friend. You’re looking for love. If you want depth, you’ve got to dig deep and form your connection there.
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