Lesbians and the Fine Art of Flirting
By Kim Baker
One Friday evening, I sit on a bar stool, look around and take in the mixture of ladies that are chatting, laughing, and discreetly checking each other out. I’m suddenly glad I decided to come out. To my delight, a cute girl with a lazy smile approaches me. I sit up straighter on my stool and return her smile. As she steps towards me, suddenly her hand is on my leg. Without thinking, I reach down and remove it, telling her, “Um. No.”
An hour later, I’m relaying this story to my friends, who have circled around my stool protectively. One friend rolls her eyes and asks, “Why do lesbians either not hit on each other at all or are totally inappropriate?” I nod, adding, “There should be a guide on flirting respectfully.” And we laugh.
Later, as I drive home and recount the evening, it occurs to me maybe it’s our conditioning that gets in our way – to not be the one to make the first move. So what is the balance of flirting with sincerity and respect?
Here I offer 4 tips to master the fine art of flirting with gay women:
1. Pay attention
Had my grabby-mc-grab flirter been paying attention, she would have noticed that I leaned back when she stepped in. She would have noticed my body language instead of just my body. Paying attention in flirting also involves listening more than talking. Paying attention alone will make you stand out in the flirting crowd.
2. Be authentic
It takes a lot of courage to go up to a stranger and flirt, and most women admire that. But what happens after the approach is what really matters. Are you being sincere? For example, a few weeks before my grabby bar incident, I was walking through a crowded lesbian event when a woman suddenly stopped me, saying, “you’re beautiful,”. I was caught off guard, not just by the compliment, but by the sincerity in which she delivered it. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is being sincere, particularly when she’s putting herself out there.
3. Look for access points.
Because most women feel like we have absolutely no game when it comes to flirting, it helps to find an access point, or an in for talking to a woman. What we tend to do instead is stand around checking out cute girls hoping they’ll approach us. Or if we’re flirting online, we throw out some pickup line that may not be received well. A couple of access points include noticing something you have in common. I once saw a woman hit on my friend, who was wearing an Iowa hat simply by saying, “Hey, go big ten!” Another access point is noticing what is happening in the moment. Did her friend abandon her for the dance floor? Is she waiting for a drink? Physical space is another access point. “Is someone sitting here?” or “Do you mind if I join you under the heat lamp, it’s cold!”
4. Remember it’s not about you.
The number one tip to make flirting go well is to remember it’s not about you. It’s not about getting validation that she likes you back. It’s about the 10 seconds of courage it takes to put yourself out there and see her for a moment. Ask her about her. Listen to her. Also, if you flirt and she doesn’t respond, try not to take it personally. There are a million reasons why she may be giving you the uninterested vibe. Maybe she just had her heart broken. Maybe she’s had a horrible day. Maybe you’re cool but not her type. It’s not personal.
Flirting, whether online or face-to-face, can be fabulous just so long as it’s respectful, authentic, organic, and focused on her not yourself. After all, every woman loves to be flirted with now and then.